4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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