You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
