I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
