best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
