I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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