I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
soo... how was my night?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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