I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
