My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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