i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
