He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
