Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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