I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
