quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
