He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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