I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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