I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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