I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
