I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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