Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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