I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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