my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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