Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize