So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
