Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
