On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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