he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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