I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
