Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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