I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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