I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
