Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
