you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
