What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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