She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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