Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
