No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
