don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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