I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize