He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
