Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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