i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
