I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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