I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Panties = found
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
