The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
