i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
