I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
