I'm pants shitting drunk right now
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
