i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
