He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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