All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm at about main and main street
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
