I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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