3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
