It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
