Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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