We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
