i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
