We won't sleep together?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
