wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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