i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
