if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
