my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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