I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
