Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
