Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
