We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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