if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
